a little note to my friends and family....

Dear Friends and Family,

I love to read the newspaper, since I have given up books (yes I have gone since the January 1st without opening a book) I have taken up the paper. Oh and I love the paper. Not because I am trying to be more aware of my community, not because I'm trying to figure out the economy, not to be on top of the most recent political scandal, and not for the funnies. The sole reason I read the paper is for the obituaries. Yup, love to read about dead people. Now here is the important part.....please take note....
hu---huummmm....
1. Please DO NOT ask for donations to help pay for funeral costs...I don't care if you have to bury me in a pine box. Please see #6.
2. Please don't use a horrible out of focus picture of me.
3. Please don't list my divorces (even though I will never have one) like this...she was married to so and so, they later divorced. She then married so and so...they later divorced. She then married so and so, they later divorced. She then decided she was not good with men and focused on herself.
4. Please don't write a poem about tears running down your face or angels welcoming me into heaven with open arms...as far as you know I'll be in the celestial but in reality I'll probably be partying it up with the telestial folks.
5. Please don't list my church callings...how sweet but I don't want to be defined by what I so begrudgingly took. (okay maybe I shouldn't have written that one in case anyone in my ward is reading this, but seriously, does anyone LOVE to do their church callings? I don't mind them I just don't want to be defined by them. And I only put begrudgingly because it makes me sound like I know big words).
6. I wish to be flushed....yes, cremate me and flush me down the toilet...how fitting if you think about it...I spend my life in the bathroom, my body failed me in that aspect and I wish to show it what it showed me.
7. Please list why I died and how long I suffered. Don't leave it up to others imagination. If I died of liver failure, say it like it is.
8. Please use correct English and spell check before you send.
9. Do NOT by any means put a nick-name above my picture such as "sweetie-pie-pants" or any other ridiculous sounding name. I wish for people to take my death seriously.
10. And lastly, don't sugar coat my life....if you think I was cruel and unusual don't say that I was an angel walking around with invisible wings.

With these simple instructions things should be easy enough for you...you'll know how I feel if within a week of the funeral things start going bump in the night....
J